Funniest Ever Jokes

Hilarious is the Word!!

1. They say money can't buy you happiness. Still it is better to verify things for yourself.

2. Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it? Ans. A Conversation.

    

3. Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
   
   Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

    

4. Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
   
   Students: "Eggs!"
   
   Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
   
   Students: "Bacon!"
   
   Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
   
   Students: "Homework!"

    

5. I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.

6. A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

    

7. Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
   
   A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

    

8. I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.

    

9. Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
   
   The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

    

10. I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

     

11. What is the difference between a politician and an actor? An actor gets better scripts with more credible story-lines.

     

12. If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.

     

13. Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
     

14. 9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

15. Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
    Me: “No.”

16. Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?

     

17. A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
    
    “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

     

18. I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.

     

19. Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
    
    Woman: Yeah, sure!
    
    Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!

     

20. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.